need a batam break.

"Could it take just distance to complicate our love? Would you dare to be willing to share it and let someone else be a part? I know it might sound crazy,with all that we’ve been through. Tell me what am I supposed to do…" – Intrigue

this lyrics were heard way back when i was in my secondary school years. never did i imagine that the validity of the lyrics will stay on even throughout the years in my adulthood.sometimes,it can be such an emotional torture when you look at a familiar face,noting how he/she smiles,and wondering to yourself those irrational questions of "what ifs".but life is not and never will be about the what ifs.it’s about what is and will be.

monsta mentioned that somethings are just difficult to comprehend,yet to be explained.a fact which i noted with caution.cause somewhere deep,i comprehend,yet i will not bother or want to explain.equality in understanding is a myth.someone who says i understand,is just bull shitting.the more i looked at monsta,the more i realised just how much of a human being i can be at times.vulnerable.hopeful.weak.leads me to belive in the Greater Power,that is God.

can one love someone beyond the normalities of having to be married off to that person?is the one you finally marry the one you truly love?questions i love to think about from an external point of view,but never an internal perspective.individuals like monsta who has the steadfast nature of willing resolution needing a life partner?monsta can live alone.but that is not how life is supposed to be.one still needs the comforts and warmth of another.not necessarily,anyone.but at least someone.

i’ve been thinking.

tomorrow,i’m gonna appear on tv for the first time in my life.okay,it’s the third time actually.but a first from the perspective of being the focal point.the thing that made me so humbled was in realising,that my wife’s prayers,played a part.months back,an individual came out in the newspaper,and i lamented to myself about wishing to be on the pages of the paper.she chided me by saying that she will pray and be sure that i’ll be on tv.i scoffed the idea.three weeks on,and the opportunity presented itself in the unlikeliest of circumstances.humbling.law of attraction working its magic.kinda scary but eventful.

anyway,my thoughts have been filled and ravaged with thoughts on quitting my football team.the team is losing its essence.it’s unlike me to quit on a team unless i feel strongly enough about something.cannot pinpoint the exact reason but i think all i need is a good break from playing with them.perhaps,someone’s invitation to have me play for a second division outfit sparked it off.but then again,maybe i’m just being too analytical of the team’s performance.

on a last sweet note,at least,i got a reply from abang abu with regards to my proposal for the public speaking course.i truly don’t care how it’s gonna be done,i intend to get it done.

oh yeah…my pal wan and salmi just got a healthy baby girl.congrats.lovely couple.beautiful family.

ps: need a batam break…

last night,the my club heralded its 2009 first chapter meeting.honestly and frankly,i did not prepare for my speech.the lack of a concrete storyline kinda resonated my week.i had to present a 6 to 8 minutes story,with the objectives of invoking and arousing emotions as its plot.i arrived as early as 4 pm to get myself settled and praying wishfully that i will perhaps get some ideas.i needed a story that can invoke emotions.i had the following plots…

a.guy meets girl.loves a girl for 8 years amidst his flirting ways,accused of having a relationship (eventhough,at that very point of accusation,it was proven not true,because for once,that guy did not have that relationship ).girl left guy. guy moves on amidst a sense of detachment. 8 years of emotional ride compressed over 8 minutes. possible? perhaps,but definitely tough.

b.guy knows girl from a diploma class.liked the girl.low self esteem.loses contact with girl for two years.meets the girl again serendipitously.establishes close friendship.guy gains confidence and focus.guy happiest guy in the world.guy introduces girl to a friend.friend goes after the girl.guy left with nothing.guy left with dreams of fullerton wedding.a premise for a malay soap drama?definitely.

but anyway,i settled for an unconventional story titled,"serendipity".plot b with a twist.at the end of it,girl attempted suicide,botched it up and got amnesiac.guy still left with nothing.

the poignant yet awkward situation arose last night during the evaluation,when my evaluator ended his take on the speech by asking me point blank,"do you still love her?"my dumb reply was,"..but,I’m married."it’s dumb because my bro,who turned his head to me asked the following,"are you answering the question?"( psychologically,i was disturbed )the raw truth was there for the initiated to see.haha.then again,it was just a reflex answer to diffuse the situation.earlier during the break,scores of people were asking me how that amnesiac girl was faring.some consoled me,saying just how they understood the pain i was feeling.me?just lost in the oblivion of a twisted truth i had created.i had invoked a certain amount of emotions in the audience.unknowingly,i had invoked my inner emotions too.heh.do i still love her?well…of course…i’ll think about it…hahahahaha…but…i love my wife.period.let the ramblings of my inner sanctum stay as it is.undiscovered and special.

anyway,the consolation for the drama was the best speaker award,though i felt that my bro’s monologue presentation gave me a run for my money.he was superb in that element.gee…i did not know that jerk of a bro had that in him.surprising but welcoming.it’s just weird seeing him talking to himself.he must be hearing voices in his head.God is fair…(lol)

ooops…gotta go.back at you later.

the way up is down…

the strangest thing about being strange is the absence of normality.okay i am bullshitting.anyway,here i am in the multimedia room of tanjong katong secondary school,typing away.the past session of workshop has been intriguing.students were keen on participating,not mentioning that i had given them strange topics to talk about.the more i looked around the more i realise that i will never make the cut to be a teacher.teach i can.be a teacher i cannot.as i had highlighted to my colleagues.i may have the passion to teach but i certainly lack the enduring patience.that’s even more inrtiguing considering that my bro is a teacher,and he lacks the patience with gals,whilst i can wait for years.but with students,he’s tolerant,where else i’ll slay students like the 9 headed hydra.

soccer over the weekend was bad.i am disappointed to say this but am disillusioned with the faculty of playing weekly on the basis of competitiveness with my current team.it will be fair to cite my injury as the numero uno excuse,but i think the prblem lies deeper in the fact that the current team lacks a certain cohesion.old players have made their way out slowly and surely,i’ll bet my last straw that they’ll move on.new kids trying to blood their way in think they are the creme de la creme,with the superfluous attitude of not wanting to learn.the personal glorification of knowing they can burst and zip like there is no tomorrow makes it a sickening prospect for me to play alongside them.let’s put it simply,i just do not trust the fact that they are the sorta players who’ll have my back when the going gets rough in the field.they’ll probably cower in the shrinking skirts of their accompanying girlfriends.then again,i might be bitchy.then again,i’ve been a better,fitter and wiser player in their age.cause i wanted to learn and improve.my conviction call will come this end of the month.as nakata once mentioned in his blog…if one no longers enjoy the feel of the ball at ones feet,it’s time to move on.i’m feeling the detachment…might as well i stick to the rigours of battling it out with a bunch of thirty year olds on the field on a friday evening,imagining myself to be the premier kaka personified.an adult like me should never grow up.never never land should be ever ever land.

off the field,it’s been quite crudely wicked to hear of my bro’s encounter/skirmishes with the alternate gender alias female.it’s a startling fact that sometimes there are some people out there who probably feel that they have the absolute divine right to go around seeking sympathy tissues through emotional scapegoat escape acts,laced with that ever nonchalant cries of,"i am the victim here,you moron!"people who drops like a timber felled by the gusts of wind yet pronounced the resolute nature of "i don’t need you,you jerk,"yet cling on the very hope of hoping that there could be hope.some of us,including myself,have encountered such individuals.emotional parasites.where our good intentions may just be sucked dry turning us into fiendish ‘pariah’ of our ownselves.on hindsight,sometimes we just have to move on from these people.they are good people.just misguided in personality and cognitively.i mean,eventually,someone will like them for who they are and marry them for who they are.as someone famous once said,God is fair.i agree.God is fair enough to tell me or anyone that we do not deserve to be with someone like that.i cannot choose or decide for sure who likes or dislikes me,but i can definitely choose who i want to love or hate…

learning point number one:what you think people will think of you migh just come true if you think about it.

so that’s my week in a nutshell.pretty normal for a strange guy.well,being married does strange thing to a normal guy.just the other day,a girl said hello and smile at me whilst exiting the train.granted that she was not a head turner,it still was a traumatic experience for me because i am not accustomed to having people smile at me first.it’s always me first.does being married means i’m being robbed of that privilige?aaaaargh!but it was fun.just cheeky fun to silently hope that i may still appeal to some.whilst having my break just now,a nubile angelic chinese girl just asked if she could sit beside to enjoy the cups of tea we bought.got acquainted to an 18 year old,sarah michelle gellar lookalike,trainee teacher… hahahaha!i hate being teacher,but i don’t mind knowing one.(with the consentual permission of my hopefully understanding missus…hehe)

GAME OF THE LAW: "One can proceed with a commited relationship without the hassle of trying to make the relationship commits one..so yes bro,you can decide to settle down without thinking is she’s the right one for you.Don’t think. Decide. Cause even the right one will go away if you think for too long…you jerk!!!ahaha"

cheers.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

you know the drill.you suck your breath in,you close your eyes,you quiver your lips and count slowly…10,9,8…3,2,1…Happy New Year 2008!!!(everyone shouts in unison)i looked around.my mum was lazing on the floor,legs stretched,lamenting how Taufik looked all beefed up compared to this scrawny son of hers.my growing bro investing his precious time fiddling away on his latest acquired PSP.me,enjoying the crackers i bought whilst noting just how uncannily similar Taufik’s side profile is to mine.(note:my wife is away,so cannot comment on that)nothing much of a difference i guess.

i loved the notion of waiting 364 days and 23mins and 59 seconds,before a sense of rejuvenation sets in.in case,one notices,i’m actually in the office typing this entry out,at exactly 1806hrs.i just received a call from a toastmasters’s associate.he offered/invited me to join him in his venture of going to schools to conduct public speaking workshops.i did not mind the experience i guess,since i needed all these moments as points of leverage to get myself known.for those unaware of developments in my humble life,my bro,wifey and myself are heading on full steam for the establisment of our self development training company.in recollection,i realised that it took us(my bro and myself)almost 4 years to get headway with our venture.i know it is heading somewhere when i received text messages,asking me just how much i charge for the conducting of workshops with my team.blessed we are.i guess it’s true about entrepreneurship,that improvisation and innovation are crucial elements.at least for now,i can safely say that we have developed 4 core programs that will really put us in good stead for year 2008.

the programs are:

1.C.E.O. (Create.Engage.Optimise)

-Entrepreneurship

2.M.E Pte Ltd (Muslim Entrpreneur Private Limited)

-Entrepreneurship

3.Communication Quotient

-Public Speaking

4.Life:The Course They Forgot To Teach In School

-Self Development

And my team’s name?

Qalam.

Tagline?

Writing Destinies

i have this innate belief in the sense of purposeful destiny that provided effort is put in,this platform will catapult my team to greater heights.already,we have had talks of collaborations with other training institutes.it’s true what they say.you chase your passion…the opportunities will come.you have fun…the funds will come.

so much for starting up the year with a good foot.

earlier in the day,i met my client who finally agreed with his wife to set aside an amount of $100k for a retirement plan.alhamdullilah.when that policy goes through,it will help launch a sense of belief for me.my 2007 working year has been steady and good.keenly anticipating that this year will be greater.

in 10 days time,i’ll be speaking again at my monthly chapter meeting,after a hiatus of a month.the stiffness can be felt.competition in my club has been increasing.a good sign of progression i must say.it might be a bit out of the way to say this,but i firmly believe that my bro and myself had contributed majorly to the overall standard in the club,improving.our experiences as ambassadors of the club had generated i must say,lotsa fanfare for the visiting clubs.our dashing and charismatic take on the approaches of speaking have put us in a league of competency.i dare say that if you were to mention our names in the toastmasters arene,you will be greeted with that gleeful eye of,"yes,i know that two cheeky guys."anyway,this coming term will pit our leadership skills in becoming the exco member.good time to head on forward.contest is in march.i’ve yet to formulate a speech.

this coming month,the buzz word will be,speed.as was highlighted by someone the other day,it’s the speed of execution that determines the esssence of success.i hope to get my january month started with a gang bang of closes.this year’s conference target is Rome.ah…the italian country,where nakata plyed his trade.i wanna be there.with a $90,000 benchmark,it’s just hardwork that separates the dream and the reality.period.besides,as my manager kept insisting,make an italian baby.(ya right!)anyway…i’ve got the euro 2008 in sight.please God…allow me to make gazillion amounts of dough.let me trawl this land of yours.i may be married but please allow me the liberty of at least stepping on the turfs of old trafford and amsterdam.(hehe)

speaking of old trafford,my soccer career is almost at the sunset of its time.no longer am i the speed demon due to the tweaking knee,i am now a mere mortal of dispensability.sigh.i need to find a new club where i can be the reigning demi god again.somewhere,where the fastest player in the team is a 27 year old,tweaked knew,broken collarbone and finger player,who can wear the number 7 without prior contest of leadership.haha.any veteran teams out there?i can still dash 50m without breaking a stride.and oh yeah,i play intelligent football.i don’t see the need of running around needlessly.why sprint 200m,when my immaculate pass can dissect the red sea.wahahaha.

well,to end off on an excellent note…i’ll be 27 years old this year.old enough to be married.young enough to be enjoying life.matured enough to be considered by nubile 20 year olds.senseless enough to still drink teh tarek at coffeeshops.playful enough to spend roughly $1,200p.a on x box sessions with my bro.late enough to still not possess a single licence.early enough to plan for retirement.and definitely…still cute enough to still draw comparisons with taufik batisah.as i’ve always ascertained,there can be only one taufik and the rest are pure copypussies of jazfik.wateva!

so happy new year to all my friends and foes,single or married,happy or miserable,dead or alive. You all deserve the greatest note of inspiration and hope. if you feel life is great,you are right.if you feel life beats you down,do not look me up.the essence of simple living lies in the premise of,live today…fight tomorrow. live for nothing or at least die for something…(with an insurance policy!)