During the formative years of growing up,I placed emphasis on the emotional aspect of interpersonal relationships.i placed it as the fulcrum of all that life has to offer.the basis and core philosophy about what life is all about.falling in love was perhaps the worst best thing,and best worst thing that could have ever happened to me.cause in that very instance of feeling a myriad of emotions,I shaped,unknowingly my identity and thought processes.
I am a person who respects and worships womanhood. Perhaps it had to do with the fact that i had to grow up,observing the lives of two very strong individuals.my mother and my maternal grandmother.the way they lived their lives,without the security and support of husbands were something I found admirable.there was no fuss or frills on how they conducted their lives.
I soon found out,upon reaching the threshold of young adulthood,teenage life,how my reverent respect for women,sometimes brought forth its fair share of misery and disappointments.life then was filled with tears,sorrow,tonnes of weighted words penned on letters,hopeful waits on the phone and all things that brings a hardcore barbarian to shame.as a male,who was supposedly and genetically,created to be emotionally void,I was an antithesis.
The problem with me was my failure in controlling the depth and magnitude of emotions.i gave it all,till I leave no more for me,for moments of reprieve.that was a big problem.at the other end of the scale also was my hopeful disposition.i always thought that dreams,are always meant to come true and alive.back then when I said that I wanted to marry someone, truly meant it.
When I attended my classes for my diploma in psychology,there was only one true intention.to find out the true mechanisms about how the heart and mind truly works.i read up intensively on emotional behaviors,states and emotional therapy.my confidence was battered over the years by rejections,being left and being played out by my presumed,thoughtless women.i had a vendetta back then.to become emotionally strong such that I can look at rejection in the eye and not bat an eyelid.unknowingly,I succeeded.changing my image,demeanour and thoughts processes,I became a work in process.a work in process that also intertwined me into the folds of being an emotional devil’s advocate.control became my calling card.i became obsessed with the thought of being able to proactively determine and decide the emotional states of the opposite sex.
The reason as to why I am highlighting all this is to share with you just some simple thoughts and explanations.close acquaintances of mine have made pleasant remarks on their surprise on knowing about my forthcoming marriage.some questioned the haste.some questioned the validity of my decision.some just could not believe it.everytime someone poses me the thought,I stay silent or give a murmuring reply.i asked myself,”are they right?”
Upon my constant introspection and asking myself deep,thoughtful questions…I always get the same reassuring answer.my marriage is an awaiting decision.i was always ready,as I realised.circumstances and that small element called fate were just aspects not brought in yet until recently.there might be those who are not aware,that behind the veiled nights,there were occassions when I despairingly prayed so hard for a divine intervention of any sort,to just make ease of my troubled mind.i always said that my family will complete me.my own set of family will be the launching pad for my greater success.all these while my heart knew the kinda person,I need in a partner to complement me in being stable emotionally,mentally and physically.i was just drained and tired from the possesive and abusive nature of previous relationships.my relationship management system told me that I needed to find a semblance of surreality back,to find my true self.i always had this nagging thing about God being challenging.everytime I am supposed to grow,he gives me a challenge.a dilemma.
I truly pray that I’ll be able to go till the end of the road with my wife.in poor health,happiness and sadness,despair and joy…and ultimately death.malays have this thing of saying at weddings…”semoga hingga ke akhir hayat.”I’m a non believer in those statements.it shows the lack of awareness and hopeful believe in the divine.if that is meant as a prayer,one should say,”semoga duniawi dan ukhrawi diberkati Allah,dan semoga berkekalan hingga ke pintu Jannah.”it is just plain ridiculous to shortchange a wedded couple.
In the spirit of love,I hope and I pray truly that everyone will find their someone.recent sharings have left me disgusted with the behaviours and thought processes of some individuals who perhaps,in their lack of insights and foresights,have ditched the very essence of love for the clamour and glory of enjoying life.the inability to commit or just perhaps believing in an area such as love, truly shows,the lack of emotional quotient.if in the pursuit of being surrounded by mindless friends who drag you down the seductive paths of enjoyment makes good of a decision,I pray hard for the goodness of morality and good judgement.misery and bad judgement loves company and merriment.if one is just hooked on the allure of being young and having everything done at least once,good for you.if you decide to jump into the ocean of enjoyment,with that faint hope of finding a pearl in an oyster,and leave that diamond of yours,out on the fields of sands…I say,good luck.that’s not a regrettable judgement call.that’s a dumb judgement call.
ps: I was at the national stadium.