if your father had a son…

what makes hijazi.his charm?his wittiness?his silent sense of vengeance?his ever present smiles?his penetrating thoughts?his fragmented memories?his willingness to try and try?his apparent disregard for weaknesses?his nonchalant arrogance?his confidence?his troubled love life?his neverending search for that elusive purpose?his melancholic mood?his sombre attitude towards people?his passion of giving without expecting anything in return?his entrepreneurial ventures?his vision?his creativity?his heartfelt self penned letters?his raw expression of feelings?his reluctance to let go of beautiful things?his desire to have his life be left in someone else’s hands?what makes hijazi?am still wondering.

do you know why i still enjoy listening to those evergreen backstreet boys songs?it’s because they remind me so much of hijazi.the idiot was such a softie for such emotional burdened songs.girls used to chastice him for having the unbearable aura of a hopeless romantic.he used to write letters with the passion of a man having just discovered the wonders of free flowing ink through a pen.he used to gaze into the air,trying to find that one specific word,to describe the myriad of feelings he had for an individual.to him,a completed piece of written letter was like a completed sculpture of David,refined and elegant.

the real thing about hijazi is his need to be understood.not for who he is.but for who he was.because he made me realise that i will never understand the present or the future.i can only understand the past.hijazi reminds me of that poignant fact.this keeps me in check with the reality of life.there were things that hijazi did during moments of his life which totally escaped the innate comprehension of those around him.but if only those people take a moment to reflect,they might perhaps just understand the intent and knowledge,or even perhaps wisdom of his words or actions.

if life is a game,am sure hijazi is still playing it.with different players coming in and out.that is the problem.he cannot stop playing,and neither can he stop the input and output of players.it’s beyond him.

let me ask you a question,but before that let me paint a scenario for you to visualise.imagine you loving someone,sincerely and truly.along the lines of life’s unpredictability,he/she gets hitched.would you stop loving him/her?would you sigh and say,that’s fated,shrug your shoulders and exclaim friendship as the next best thing you happen to have discovered?would you ask,periodically,how the marriage is going for him/her?what would you do?

perhaps maybe that is why the general understood notion of soulmateship is lost on some.disregarding the facets of religious or culture influenced reasoning,i realise just how many good souls i’ve ceased to surround myself,by the sheer fact of being married.do you realise also that by that sheer acceptance also,it erodes years of good memories.imagine painting beautifully on a piece of canvas,the most unimaginable piece of gratifying art,as a master painter.somewhere down the road,you are not a painter by trade.would you throw away that artpiece,citing it as just a piece of canvas?would that mean that you have lost your ability as a painter?i doubt so.

lying in your arms,so close together,didnt know just what i had.-nsync

there was a brief period of time when my life was so bliss.i felt happy,alive and energised every morning.reason?i had this videoclip of rihanna,"if it’s loving that you want."till this very day,the gyration of hips amidst the backdrop of what i presume are the beaches of bahamas,brings a smile to my face.why?am not so sure.it’s just a happy visual of me looking at those people/dancers.i’m a water person perhaps.being at bali a few years back brought the inner calmness within,whilst i was on the beach.watching the waves rolling in,as couples in beachwear strode,hands together with their kids running along.blissful.

the other day, a soul asked how marriage life was.i said,its normal,like the relationship that one has before a marriage.she queried in disbelief.my personal opinion is that marriage entails with it a set of commitment,obligations and responsibility.the rest are all,things that come naturally,out of a loving emotion.yes,marriage carries its share of significance,as its the penultimate establishment of a legal and religious socioeconomic partnership.i dread to highlight this small fact that some people out there might have a slight dreamy and misconstrued version of marriage being beautiful ala novels.it is beautiful.no doubts.to wake up beside someone.having that familiar scent around.having a pair of hands serving the nourishments of the day.an ironed set of clothes ever ready.but all these are not freebies that come along when you get married.by default,you are still marrying a breathing and thinking human being,prone to that occasional mood pendulum swings and flaws,that might seem then to be like mosquito bites,but are now as huge as the rear of an elephant.it’s a great marriage because i choose to work on it.the same reason why some marriages fail.because both or either partner chooses not to work on it anymore.the soul mentioned that she has a different idea about marriage.i can agree with her.i had a different idea before and so did my wife.the pragmatic difference now is because we are in that dynamic now and realising how truly surreal experiences can be at times.it’ll stretch the borders of tolerance and comprehension.marriage is a dynamic not the end product.when i mentioned to her that the capacity to be happy and finding peace is still ultimately an individualistic choice,she begs to differ.my personal opinion is that marriage does not replace your life.it enhances your life.goals and dreams are still very much yours to own and create,of course there are shared goals and dreams,but in the majority of cases,happiness is still about self gratification.that is why having a baby adds to the beauty of a marriage,but it is not all there is to the marriage.again,i must stress that this is solely my personal perspective.notice why,within our malay community,the rate of divorces are so high?simple.they could not live up to their expectations.they are like the frogs in the well,talking about the grassy fields outside.when you cannot realise your expectations,the mode of giving in kicks in.the blaming game starts.it happens.my take is simple.if i cannot make myself happy,i should forget about expecting someone else making me happy.cause the best person who knows how to make myself happy is me.period.yes,you may disagree with me and be adamant that your marriage will be the de facto difference.i accept and respect your personal point of views.that’s why marriage is beautiful.because like a business venture,your success is only as good as your business philosophy.

anyway,my guess is as good as anybody as to how one measures the effectiveness of a marriage towards the enhancement in the quality of life.what i do know is that,married people tend to be more successful.nothing to do with the marriage per say,but more of the purpose behind the success.when you live your life with the thoughts of loving and providing for another life,the perspective of the universe takes a change,the i in you becomes the we.and you know what they say.two heads and two hearts are always better then one.

once again,am listening to that ridiculous piece of love song.kal ho naa ho.damn.i do not understand a single stanza of that song,yet in evokes a gazillion set of thoughts.i bet the effect is the same as too when my bro watches the movie mohhabatein.i swear and am willing to bet my last breath that no matter what happens,when he’s married with children and all,the characters of kiran and karan in that movie will bring that flood of memories back.he can deny like nobody’s business till the end of days,but that’s a sure dead thing.such visual associations can never go away.i’m still amazed as to how the repeated theme of love can be exploited so many times by these bollywood directors yet having the same effect throughout the years.they have a movie success secret.stick to the fundamentals.in their case,love and it’s affairs.for malay producers…dysfunctionalities of youths,problem marriages,power struggle,family torn by financial matters and my personal favourite,reruns.

if i was born in india,i would have been married to ranee mukherjee.

if i was born in malaysia,it would have been misha omar.

if i was born in indonesia,it would have been that eva girl from ‘hikmah’

if i was born in the states,it’s definitely jessica biel,rachel bilson,eva longoria and halle berry.

if i was born in china,the certainties are zhang zhiyi and gong li.

if i was born in hong kong,cecillia cheung.

if i was born in japan,a toss between ayumi hamasaki and ayumi hamasaki.(she has different images)

if i was born in russia,anna kournikova first then maria sharapova.

if i was born in london,it’ll be victoria adams,followed by the atomic kittens and then any WAGs

if i was born in vietnam,that asian idol phung vee.

last but not least,now that i’m born in singapore,i’m married to my lovely wife,with that occasional dreams of fizah the cute host,hazlina the newsreader,fiona xie sometimes,michelle chia most of the times,jade seah once in a blue moon,felicia chin twice in a week and of course the effervescent,andrea fonseca.hot.

anyway,since i’m on a roll here,i just realised with a sense of humility that women like kieran knightly and natalie portman who suppossedly have small boobs,happens to make the list of my most desired ladies.it’s their aura of confidence i guess.it’s not about what you have or do not have that makes you huh?it’s how you carry yourself.just look at some poor big mamas who pathetically have to squeeze their ample bosoms into skimpy outfits and struggling with it.

i’ll end off this entry with a riddle.

if your father had a son/daughter,and he/she had no siblings,who is he/she?

it may not be what it seems.

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