Revisiting Passion

Looking Through
Looking Through

How do I begin?

I’ve lost all sense of vision I had when I started my stint as a financial consultant. It’s not about passion. I am passionate about this career, because achieving financial freedom is an elusive and engaging idea that I wish to pursue with my clients. I dare not proclaim to be the basis by which financial freedom can be achieved by my clients. But I dare say, that I will thread down that beaten path of poverty and need, learn from it, and share the pain with empathetic wisdom so that my clients will benefit. I dare not be too rich, for I know the seduction of fast accumulated wealth. I dare to be a simple guy, with simple needs and wants. I dare to be contented with the idea of riding a train ride for the rest of my life, if need be. I dare to tell my clients, that like any normal mortal, I cannot be the know all when it comes to financial matters. Qualified and informed, I may be, but I am fallible to not knowing many things.

How did I lose my drive?

Beats me. But I do know that I just cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel standing where I am now. I took my job too personally. When clients lapse their payments, I beat myself at my inability to measure his ability to afford a plan. I trusted his willingness too much. I became emotional rather than rational. In my pursuit to close cases, I began looking down on people’s manner of managing their finances. I started categorizing people into sets of ignorance and cash cows. I believed too much into the hype that financial consultants can solve all financial problems with the whiff of a gimmick sales concept driven to silence a prospect into purchasing the fix-all financial product. As I struggled to come to terms with sales projections and moral obligations, I became the subject of innuendos of under achievement. A focal point of example as a potential gone wrong. I was the poster boy for what could have been. Sometimes seen as an anti establishment individual bent on rebelling against a system of proven success.

Why?

I really have no qualms about living life in such a way, that I sweep the floors of a shopping complex or the drains. If bread and butter were to be issues of contention, who gives a shit, as to how the dough came about in the first place.

For years, people ask what I want with my life. Plenty of course. But I am a believer that all things come in due time. Why no car, they ask? In due time. Why no honeymoon, they ask? In due time. Why no house, they ask? In due time. Why not successful? In due time. Let me ask them, “When will you be held accountable for the pride, bits of arrogance and sheer disregard for humility?”. Don’t answer. I’ll tell you. In due time.

The simple fact is this. Between financial consultants, you, the prospect or client, are sometimes  discussed upon as cattle. You are either a fat cattle, ready to be slaughtered, or a skinny one just awaiting time. Not all consultants look at you that way. But most. I’ve digressed.

Anyway, I’ve been disillusioned. I’m quitting. Resigning. Stepping away from this road to perdition. Rework my self. Rework on my own financial and life planning. Four years of mediocrity is unacceptable. Surviving on faith, goodwill spirit and loyalty has made me a well rounded individual, but I gave up on my rights to be fulfilled.

I know when I should throw in the towel. Though it’s never in my nature to throw in the gauntlet on my own neck. But this time around I need to. While I still have some sense of thought.

I want to start dreaming again. Dream those realistic and achievable personal dreams I had. I can have. I’m sick of being made to feel that I am not good enough within, because the yardstick of comparison is objectified. I’m tired of having a possibility thinking, grounded on narcissistic measures of self worth. I’m morally obligated to believe that there exists a richer life outside the scopes by which I am being exposed to.

This is my opportunity for the “dip”.

This is my opportunity to just wave my white flag and say,“Enough.”

Hijazi…

  • despite the effect of being the underdog minority with a lot of stigmas attached to it has on you, it has worked to your advantage in the sense that you’ve always felt the need to prove yourself, as opposed to embrace the negative aspects of it. which is a good thing. and in spite of the passion, which could have very well manifested into obsession, agression and arrogance, you’ve managed to inspire
  • whenever i have to force myself to do something i’ll think of what you’d say. you’re like the voice of encouragement

– Nhazean | Primary School Friend | 2006

This is my idea of Passion I had in 2006,

What is passion?

That innate desire to get out of bed in the morning…to dress well…to arrive early at work…to greet fellow colleagues…to smile in the face of clients…to achieve satisfactory deals…to conclude the day with finished work day assignments…to meet up with your soulmate for dinner…to enjoy a brisk walk through the city…head home in each other’s arms…being serenaded to sleep…and dream that I will wake up going through that whole day in sequential order all over again….

Finito.


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One thought on “Revisiting Passion

  1. Brother, do what you love.. and love doing it.
    kalau tak pasti, masih mencari-cari jawapan. Istikharah lah.

    Semoga berjaya dan terus berjaya in whatever that you choose to do.
    Cause, whatever it is, Allah tidak akan ubah nasib seseorang itu melainkan dia sendiri ingin mengubahnya. If this is the route of your choice. A way to change your life. Go ahead. Terus berusaha dan berdo’a.

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